I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
