Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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