My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I could make wine with my vomit
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
