when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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