Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
