she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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