I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
