you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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