Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
