I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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