Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
