My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
