I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
