Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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