Cold hands, warm shart.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
