we're chasing vodka with high fives
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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