the condom got lost in my hair
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
