Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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