My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
