Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
