how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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