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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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