You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
