Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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