Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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