i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
