Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
