I'm so fucking centered right now
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
