i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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