Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
