I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
