I'm gonna have a badass scar
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize