I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
