No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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