Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
