A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
