Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm passing your future prison.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
