Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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