Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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