Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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