My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
