I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize