im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
