I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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