I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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