I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
