I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
