i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
