He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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