What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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