Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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