dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
