dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
