I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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