I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
