Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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