I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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