and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can you bring me the toilet please
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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