Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I forget how to act sober
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
