took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My pussy is not your playground.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
