I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
