She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
