If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
