so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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