I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
